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Apr. 3rd, 2009

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Writer's Block: Out of Uniform

Do you change clothes when you come home from work or class? What do you put on?
Ok, so I haven't updated my blog for a really long time, and I actually don't really know what to write so I'm trying this writer's block thing for the first time.

When I come home from wherever, I change clothes to feel more comfortable. My house clothes are usually shorts and a cotton shirt which is ideal for the warm weather here.

That's it! Another blog entry.

Jan. 28th, 2008

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It's not easy letting go

Why is it so hard to let go? Slapped with the reality that the person I've held a torch for what seems to be forever does not care for me as much as I wanted, how come I can't face the reality that things will never be as it was? That what was in the past, beautiful as it may be, remains history? Why am I so damned delusional?

Last night I dreamt that he's gotten married, found his real soulmate, and yeah, it wasn't me. Perhaps it's true, not to the extent of getting married yet, but already out there, loving someone else. He's the type whose heart is big enough to love more than one believe me, perhaps a subtle Casanova with a conscience.

It's such a cliche but is love really blind? I used to say that love is not blind, but enables someone to see with the heart what others cannot. I'm in a situation where he tells me through his actions that it is over for good, and yet I still hope against hope to feel again how wonderful it was to be loved by him. I know that all it may take is just one direct question, "Where do I stand in your life?" But I'm afraid to ask because I already know the answer, "In the past."

I have tried loving someone else, in such extreme measures, but at the end of the day, I look back and what I thought were intense feelings for another pales so much to how I feel for HIM till now.

I feel like I've tried everything to let go, to move on, but it seems like nothing works. In the deepest recesses of my mind, I am still hoping, clinging, frustrated, desperate... I have prayed so hard, "Lord, if he's not for me, then help me forget, help me move on..."

What else can I do?

Jan. 17th, 2008

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The Dress

I don't know what it was about this dress that really caught my eye-- the style, the color, the model? Perhaps everything combined? 
I just loved the way it looked and though I know it won't be a dress that will flatter me in all my voluptuous glory, someday, somehow, no matter what my proportions are, I'm gonna wear this dress!

Feb. 5th, 2007

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Crazy little thing called love

Love is terribly wonderful... 

It's a phenomenon totally unexplainable.  Like believing in God, it should not be rationalized, just  felt from the deepest recesses of the heart.

Love makes a totally mundane thing such as walking down the street so memorable if shared with the person you love.  The buzz of traffic seems  oblivious as, hand in hand, a couple traverses the road, hearts beating in perfect accord, as if one is made solely for the other.  It makes you want an evening in each other's company last forever.  Waking up in the morning is such a great thing because it holds the promise of being together.  Every ring of the telephone makes your heart skip a beat, it seems you can't run fast enough to grab hold of the receiver hoping it's your heart's delight on the other end.  Unexplainable tears spring in your eyes as you hold your sleeping infant in your arms thinking you have not seen anything so beautiful in your life.  It makes you want to be the best person you can be so that the people you love would be proud of you.

But just as much as love makes you walk in sunshine, cloud nine, seventh heaven or any other term to describe ecstasy, being jilted or betrayed is conversely painful.  The pain is so extreme that you literally feel life being sucked out of your soul.  It is as if a vise engulfs your heart completely and as it slowly closes in, it seems you can't cry enough or suffer enough. 

Nonetheless, even as love almost guarantees being hurt in the end or during its course, I say it would all be worth it.  Because just as you thought you'd bleed completely dry, you realize life is still worth living despite the hurt.  As they say, if you have not loved, you have not lived.  Be it romantic love or any other kind of love, you can never spread yourself too thin if it is genuine, selfless love you're giving out. 

So I say bring on the pain-- because it means I am alive.

Feb. 2nd, 2007

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Procrastination drinks hemlock....

Came across this quotation from a Greek Philospher (Plato?  Socrates? Aristotle?  Am in no mood to research it now, nor ever perhaps...) in my first year philo class in UP, with the then Ms. Sioco as our young, sultry professor.  I believe she is now Department Head of the Department of Social Sciences.  Gawrsh, has it really been that long?  This reminiscing makes me feel so ancient.  Whether Ms. Sioco still exudes that sexy albeit guileless charm I have yet to see.

Anyway, since it was philosophy so I philosophized (hahaha, is that neologism?) to myself what the sentence meant.  I forgot exactly how it was brought into context but it gave me a vivid picture of a young man in his toga drinking wine laced with hemlock from his golden chalice and, within seconds, dying from the toxic substance which immediately polluted his blood and paralyzed his brain.  Ok, enough of that, and of course the man's name is "Procrastination" which is not really his name but something he symbolizes.  (Now I am just rambling without being drunk.)

To get to my point, I AM GUILTY OF PROCRASTINATION almost all my life! 

There I have said it, like I have realized it for the first time but I have actually known for decades now.  And it really is poison.  I have lost many an opportunity because of this vile habit.  Not only opportunities but people and relations.  The most regretful thing is (oh please, I don't wanna cry, shit, the tears are welling now, and my heart feels like it's being crushed *pauses to shed a few tears, composes herself*)...  how I was never able to tell my friend how much I loved her.  I've treated her coldly because of historical barriers and despite her efforts to reach out, I was just "too busy" to make things matter.  She died suddenly of a heart attack (at a very young age) and before I knew it,  I found myself the unfortunate fool staring at her lifeless body at the floor of the van which was to bring her corporeal being to her provincial hometown where she was to be buried.

It was just too late to make amends to her, she is gone.  I have left things unsaid, gifts ungiven, a huge spiritual debt unpaid.  And even as I shed tears quietly for her in the dark of night as I pray for her soul's peace, a voice inside me kept nagging, "What if...?"

There are so many "What if's" in my life, not only with my friend.  And I would never ever find out "what if?"unless I can bring the dead to life or turn back the hands of time. 

NEVER!

That emphasis is a wake up call to myself to get my butt off the bed.  And so I'm not making any promise to myself because I am the number one breaker of promises to me but would rather make a new blueprint of my life for the rest of the year or so.

So at least for this month I resolve to--

-mail an important letter to my friend in the US
-lose at least 5lbs in time for a friend's wedding, even if it means a very unhealthy crash diet and taxing exercise just so I could look a tad better on her special day (see?  im still realistic because I was actually aiming for 10lbs...)
-let my bride friend know how much she means to me by her wedding day
-exorcise myself from my obsession of a certain person who is certainly clueless that he makes my life miserable (this deserves at least a whole blog entry.  Yeah! the exorcism of Betchabay!)
-bury myself in books in preparation for the exam of my life

These may look easy but believe me, they require stupendous effort from me, and I would consider myself a big achiever if I at least accomplish half of my list.

So if procrastination drinks hemlock, I am now injecting myself with the antidote.  I don't want to live the rest of my life soaked in the deep, dark pool of regret.

Sep. 18th, 2006

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Ramblings at a drunken hour...

HEALING

Shared words
Secret glimpses
The mere sound of your voice
Sent me to heaven
But now
It's more tangible.

I shall never tire
Of looking at you
Your smile is a rainbow
After the rain.
Your vulnerability
Is so endearing
Yet frustrating

I see your flaws
But long for you still
Though not as much as I had.

Wishful thinking--

Am I already healing?

EMANCIPATION

Two minutes pass
You have not intruded
my thoughts...
Is this a sign
Of my impending
Freedom from you?

I long for the time
I have lived unobtrusive
Undisturbed and unconquered
By persistent images
Of your smile, your laughter
Your whole being.

Such time will come
That I'm sure of
But I will always look back
At this inadvertent crisis
As the ultimate period
Of my stupidity.


BENT and TWISTED

Punitive I am to self
Chiding
Feelings of deprecation
Channel to good
Procrastination
Wanting release
Refusing to let go
Intense emotion
Dominating the corporeal
Thoughts without him
Sporadic
Lucid interval
Hasten to permanence...

AD DEFINITUM

Abandonment...
Is such a feeling of deprivation
Where have you gone?
Do you not know
You're the best reason I am here?

Ignorance...
Of my feelings for you.
It is futile to express it
Even detrimental to do so.

Oblivious...
You remain
And hope shall forever be
My secret must not be known
It should just fade on its own.


FICKLE

You change your mind
Quite commonly so
Or insincere?
I'd rather not know.

I have no right
To reprimand or hurt
Yet I do so with a passion
I do not allow.

If your proximity is pure torture
Am I a masochist to always
Want to be near you?

Or am I a beggar so wanting
To feed on the crust
So mindlessly given?

Everyday I pray
For this madness to stop
Yet I refuse to let go.

I shackle myself
At the expense of my dignity.

Salvation is what I await.

SINGED

Play with fire and you'd get burnt
I realize it's true
Cause that's what happened to me
When I brought myself near you.

At first it was just a game
To prove an ego trip
But now it's gone beyond control
I cannot get a grip.

When did it start? How did I fall?
Are things I can't recall
Nothing can explain this feeling
No, nothing at all.

We're worlds apart and so unlike
As opposites could be
And nothing that I say or do
Could bring you close to me.

So now I sit in darkness
Forever in regret
Cause I played with fire and fell so hard
Pain is all I get.

Tags:

Aug. 4th, 2006

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Who's gonna save me from the narcissistic biatch?

Help...

I hope there really is a hero called "Superfriend" (cheesy as it may sound), to be meant and taken literally. She's this extraordinary being that sweeps you away in the comfort of azure skies when you are being trapped and coerced by the narcissistic bitches of this world.

I hate it when people disguise as your friends, and moreso, call you bestfriend when they don't even attempt to understand the first thing about you and don't consider your feelings on given situations.

I'd rather have friends that could be there for you through thick and thin, respects it when you need time for yourself, never judges you and accepts your decisions.

Thankfully, I have a lot of friends like that.
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Mid-thirty, flirty and thriving...

In my midthirties and still unmarried... Is there some kind of a stigma attached to that? People's smiles sort of wither when I tell them of my current status. What's up with that? Does it spell loser on my forehead? I don't owe them an explanation but why does it feel like I have to appease whatever it is that goes on in their heads?

Maybe because I don't personally feel ok with that. I am happy now but I sure could be happier.

Jul. 20th, 2006

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Feels So Good

Chuck Mangione's silken tunes traverse my mind as I breeze through moments of victory. I had just passed the board exam and it really feels good.

My spirits were dampened though, upon finding out that some of my dear friends didn't make it... I really feel blessed to have pulled through. My friend and I talked about this, and we both agree that we couldn't have made it without our lethal combination of hard study, fervent prayers and luck.

I really thank God for this victory. And for the others who didn't quite make it this time, I raise another prayer for their continued perseverance. The fight should go on...

Jul. 17th, 2006

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Give Me A Break!

In this lifetime, I consider two common jobs most difficult... that of being a Night Watchman and a Telemarketer.

Being a Security Guard at night has got to be the most boring albeit dangerous job ever... There could be far worse jobs than that actually but my heart goes out to the poor fellow who tries to keep his eyes open amidst the calming stillness of the night, whilst having to risk his life apprehending a crook or whatever sinister being trying to disrupt security protocols.

I used to receive telephone calls from a friend of mine (God rest his soul) who gets detailed at night at a certain bank. I know it's against policies for him to make personal calls when he should really be out doing his rounds, but his job is so damn boring that I sometimes acquiesce to a few minutes of chatting with him since I am a night person anyway.

He's now decedent, but not from occupational hazard. He drank way too much alcohol in the course of his life that his liver couldn't take it anymore. I'd like to think he died happy, because he was able to indulge in his favorite thing in the world for most of his life.

As for Telemarketers... whoah! When I was a kid, I was an avid reader of Mad Magazine (thanks to my Dad who was a collector!). I have read many an issue where they gave readers "clever" advice on how to thwart those persistent callers. At an early age, I already had an imprint in my mind saying, "Hey, it must suck to have such work."

My point is not to undermine the job, but to recognize its difficulty. I mean, out of a thousand calls you make in a day as a telemarketer, how many actually buy whatever it is you're selling? Not only that, you get shouted at, insulted, hung up on or worse, uttered profanities to... among others.

I don't blame the telemarketers for having to be persistent, they're just doing their job. But I don't blame the receiver of the calls either, they just did what they had to do depending on the situation they are in.

The thing about unsolicited telephone calls is that you never know the state of the person you are calling. Take for instance what happened to me today, since morning till late afternoon. In our home, I have received calls for my brother from Metrobank and Citibank, not about his account, but to "offer" him "privileges." The first call he didn't take because he was busy with something. And then he went out and I had to deal with the callers for the rest of the day.

But the real pain in the neck are those callers from Home TV Shopping... Buy once from them and they will call you forever!!! Real horror movie stuff.

When I say my brother is out, they will just keep calling till they "catch" him. And it will be my time that is wasted. Sometimes they don't want to leave any message, or more often than not, they become too friendly that I feel trapped into having to speak to them when there are far better things to do. It usually comes to a point when I get so irritated, it's hard to retain civility.

Case in point, a caller from a financial business, looking for my dad. My dad has already given me authority to decline any "offers," even from well known business establishments. So when this "never-heard" company called, I dealt with it the way I had always done. What irritates me more is that the girl calling tries so hard to speak in English when it hurts my ear, and we both know I can well understand her in our native language. Perhaps she's trying to impress me with her "aura of sophistication", but adversely cheapens herself more.

What is more infuriating is when they impose on you their marketing strategies that are outright lies. Like, "Mam, please tell your father that he has been chosen by Mr. So and So as a beneficiary of a Cash Gift worth P50,000 which he can claim at out office right away."

Oh, am I to believe the company gives out manna from heaven? So I asked her where she got my dad's name.

She goes, "Oh, he has been referred to us, and Mr. So and So has chosen him to be one of the recipients of the gift. Do you know Mr. So and So.?"

I said no, as a matter of fact I don't, and reiterated my question who referred my dad's name.

When she said, "You will just find out when you go to our office and open the envelope," it has confirmed my suspicion, it just is too good to be true.

So I said, I know this is just a marketing strategy, no thanks, my dad is not interested in your gift.

In which she responded, "Who are you to say that?"

I am the daughter for goodness sake! I have full authority! Damn, I bet she doesn't know my dad is mid-70ish and that he no longer qualifies for whatever plan they have to offer. But the rudeness of the voice sparked hostility on my side, and before I lose it, I decided to terminate the call with another, No thanks.

She rejoined with, "Oh sayang naman, P50,000 in cash, you are just rejecting. Why, are you already rich?"

I wanted to say it's none of her damned business but taken aback, I said instead, "Why are you asking that? That's too personal." I wanted to add, Liar! You're still alive and yet your soul is already burning in hell... Hahaha, but I would sound so righteous and it's way too harsh.

She was just doing her job after all.

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